


If hope is lost then what is existence?

by 1224clover



Category: Phan
Genre: Angst, Depressed!Dan, Depression, M/M, Oh and Phil, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2018-10-07 00:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10348734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1224clover/pseuds/1224clover
Summary: Dan has been depressed for a while now but he has been hiding it. One day Phil finds out and it goes downhill.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first Phan fic I hope it's decent.

*Damnit Dan why are you like this? You can NOT screw up everything. And every time you screw up you constantly have an EXUSE. Just shut the hell up and take the blame for the problems you cause.* Dan thought, as his sat alone on the couch.

This month had been really bad for Dan. He ran out of anti-depressants and didnt have the energy to go get more. And his problems shouldn't have to be a worry to Phil, so he wasn't going to ask Phil to pick some up. Not like he'd ever let Phil know.

*God damnit why? Why do you have to be so stressful? You waste Phil's time, money, and energy on you. Why are you so selfish Dan? Taking everything for yourself. Is that really nessicary? And after all the things Phil has done for you, you still go and complain to him about cereal. Grow up Dan, you're an adult* the voice in Dan's head yelled at him. 

"Phil will be home soon" Dan mumbled "I need to get this done before he comes back from shopping." 

He walked into his room and reached over to his bottle of sleeping pills and thought *I guess 10 would cover it.*

Then he hears Phil drop something with a grunt right outside of their door. "UNICORN TAILS! Dan can you come unlock the doors for me?" He yelled in desperation. 

"Damnit Phil bad timing," Dan replied a little too loud.

"Wait, what? Why?" Phil questioned.

" Oh, uh, I was about to start a live show?"

"At eleven pm Dan?"

" You don't know my life wise guy."

"Yes I do, I live with you you dork."

Phil opened the door and dropped the groceries on the counter.

"Thanks for the help by the way." He said with an eye roll as he slid into the couch crease.

"I'm sorry. I meant to help, I really did." He mumbled "Now I'm making excuses I'll just be quiet. Goodnight Phil."

"Dan it's fine, I wasn't serious, it's okay. It's just some groceries. But are you okay?" Phil questioned in a foggy confusion. Dan had never reacted to something like that.

"I'm fine I just need some sleep." Dan said loud enough for Phil to hear. "Being a screw up seems to drain my energy." He mumbled a little too loudly as he walked away.

"WAIT DAN COME BACK! I HEARD THAT!" Phil screamed down the hall to Dan. Dan walked away.

Phil paced in circles around his cluttered room wondering if Dan was okay. What had happened to make Dan think he was a screw up? And how could he help without causing more problems, as an innocent joke set him off just now.

"Well the only way to know for sure is to go talk to him." He said with a sigh.

Phil slowly walked up to Dan's bedroom door and knocks a few times in a little pattern, best thing because you know, it's Phil. Then he hears a medication bottle rattle when it drops on the carpet, but there's no response from the young dark haired man.

"Hey ... Danny, I heard what you said in the living room and I want to talk to you about it." Phil said softly. 

"I'm fine, it's okay." Dan whispers back to Phil.

"Can I come in please?"

Phil doesn't hear a reply from dan so he slowly opens the door to Dan holding a handful of sleeping pills, a glass of water and tears dripping down his face. 

*Wow* Phil thought *Dan really is a mess. His hair is wavy and poofy, his eyes are red and puffy. His cheeks were bright pink and his nose was a shade of valentine hearts faded from months of sun. All because of what Phil had said*

"Dan....OH MY god Dan, no, please don't." Phil started to get emotional and mad but he knew it's better to stay calm.  
Dan started crying more. It was a constant flow of salty tears, and Phil didn't know why. Or what to do. The only thing he could do was make the situation safer.

"Please put down the medication and talk to me first. Okay?" Phil said as he eased the glass out of Dans hand. Dan put the pills back in the medicine bottle, sighed and blew his nose on a black tissue. 

"I'm sorry I'm a screw up Phil.A waste of time. I'm sorry I'm wasting your time right now when you have other things you could be doing. I'm sorry I'm A leech. A non voluntary charity case. Attention seeking. I'm sorry I came into your life and didn't give you a choice. I'm sorry I'm selfish and stuck up. And most of all I'm sorry I'm still here wasting minutes, hours and weeks of your time that you will never get back.I'm sorry Phil." Dan said as tears started pouring down his cheeks.

Then Dan flew up out of his chair and ran out of his room and locked himself in the bathroom in a rush. Leaving Phil in shock.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I've taken so long but I'm back.

Dan had locked himself in the bathroom. He turned on the bathtub to full blast to drown out his tears. He hadn't ever wanted Phil to find out. And now he knew. His years of hiding, shame were exposed to the other and he could never go back. Would Phil Hospitalize him? Does he think that Dan is disappointment? Dan was sure that Phil would kick him out and find a new roommate that didn't have so many issues to worry about.

Phil came and knocked on the door. "Hey are you safe?" Phil asked Dan cautiously. "Uhh mabye" came Dans short reply after a sniffle. He slowly lowered the faucet pressure, hoping his sobs and gasps for breath would lower at the same time. Phil didn't know what to say after that. He didn't want to cause another breakdown. 

"Want to talk?" Phil asked Dan gently.  
"It's okay I'm fine" Dan whispered back. Then the phone rang, he didn't want to leave Dan alone in a time of crisis but they were adults and the call could be important. "I'll be right back" he said then he headed towards the phone.

Dan rose off the water speckled porcelain and quietly went to his room, feeling once again, cornered in the isolation he had sought to abandon, hoping that when Phil came back he would assume that Dan had left. He slowly drifted off.


	3. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know they are short I'll be making a lot this weekend tho

   Phil put down the phone, they had gotten an invite to a celebration where they would discuss future ours, and movie opportunities. He wasn't sure if they should go, it was really last minute and he didnt feel as though Dan was emotionally sptable enough to handle the bustling crowd and small talk. On the other hand, this was their careers, their livelyhood and its what paid their bills. 

   He assumed that Dan would have left the bathroom by now so he went to his room to check on him.

   Phil found him asleep on the bed all tangled in the grey blankets. Dan had a really scared look on his face. And Phil would have given anything to know why. Especially if it could help Dan.

   He gently nudged the sleeping Howell into consciousness. When Dan woke up he flinched backwards and gasped. Phil quickly withdrew his hand not wanting to scare him.But Dan saw the flash of hurt in Phils eyes when he tried to get away. 

  "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you. You can sleep if you want it's only 3 o'clock. Do you want to order chineese food and watch Big Hero Six?." Phil said,'his decision was made.

  "Phil?" Dan whispered through the air between them.

"Yeah Dan?" 

"I'd love to."


	4. The ending that will never en-

At about 6:30pm Dan rolled over into the firey gaze of his alarm clock. Wiping sleep out of his weary eyes. Dragging his blanket with him he wobbled of the bed in that awkward I'm not awake kind of way. The scent of non authentic asian cuisine drifting through the air. 

He plopped himslef on the couch, right next to Phil and he opened the paper box of pork fried rice, "Thanks Phil, its a good thing the order was delivered five minutes ago, its still hot." He wiggled into the corner of the worn leather and god comfertable with his flld just as the robot fight began Phil said "No problem Dan, any time." He couldn't quite conceal the concern and fear in his eyes but at least Dan knew that he cared somewhat. Would the box of warm rice and a movie cure his depression? No, no it wouldnt, but through communication, patience, and understanding there would be a chance that one day Dan could say that hed fought his hardest and won. But untill then he had a war to fight, and hed hardly started first battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, i hate to dissapoint but this very sad story has ended with a better ending and i wish to leave it at that. Depression is a real and very serious issue if youre feeling as though you might be depressed   
> reach out to a therapist, family member, friend or me at seven-lost-pickles on tumblr. if youre not able to reach out to these people there is a beautiful website that has helped me though alot and its a 24/7 therapist at NO COST just go to iprevail and talk to people to get the help you need. <3 I love you all, and remember im always here.

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope this left you wanting to read more or whatever those Literature teachers are always saying. Much love to my readers. I'll try to update every Friday or Saturday.


End file.
